Is there a college degree that can prepare you for this?

So, I’m about to let you all in on a big secret in my life. I don’t know how to make coffee. I don’t drink it, and I have no idea how to make it. Beans? Filters? Instant? Cream? Milk? Half and Half? I don’t know what’s what. And it all my years of interning (and I’m about to start #7) I have never had to make coffee. I’ve gotten coffee. I’ve written the orders down with all the specifics spelled out for me, I picked up from diners and Starbucks or brought it up from the lobby. I’ve even gone to the kitchen and filled a mug from the giant thermos thing that keeps the coffee hot. But I have never made a pot of coffee.

A few weeks ago, I brought in the guest to the studio, and as usual, I asked, “What can I get you? Water? Coffee? Tea?” And as is most common, I got “Coffee would be great.” So I went into the control room to fill a mug of coffee and I find that the giant thermos thing is out; it just makes a spluttering noise and releases a few drips. Not a problem, Ive gotten out of this mess before. I take the thermos into the kitchen, where there are three other thermos’s ready for taking, and I open them up to pour their coffee into my thermos. To my dismay, the gods of stealing coffee were against me that day, and every thermos was empty. I even went to another floor: no coffee.

And such began my disastrous first attempt at making coffee.

I though, OK, I can do this. It cant be that hard.
I should have known by the sheer amount of time it took me to remove the part that holds the filter that I should just ask someone for help. But I am 23 years old, and I should know how to brew (is it brew?) a pot of coffee at this point in my life. So I dumped out the old filter with its wet caked coffee, and I put a new white doily like filter in. Then I found the drawer with the coffee in it, opened up a bag, and started to shake some in. Here is where I encountered my first dilemma. How much? I guessed just enough to cover the bottom of the filter (for future reference, I discovered that for the team I work with, I should be using 1.5 bags of coffee per thermos). I couldn’t find anything else to do, so I put the thermos underneath and pressed the only thing that looked like a start button. The machine began to gurgle, but nothing was coming out. So I found a flap on top, and used a Styrofoam cup to start pouring in some water. (Mistake.) Waited some more, but nothing seemed to be coming out. Added more water.
Suddenly, coffee began to dribble out into the thermos! Yes! Success! I watched it pour into the thermos and I was feeling pretty smug. Then I realized that the coffee showed no sign of slowing down, but the thermos was just about full. But I held off doing anything about it. I thought, it must go to the top and then stop. It didn't. It just kept going. I grabbed another thermos and shoved it under the still spewing coffee machine. But it still wasn't slowing down. Now my hands are burnt, I am splattered with coffee, and I am pressing every button I can find until I finally follow the cord and unplug the damn thing. Didn't help. Coffee kept coming.
I filled another 4 cups before the coffee finally stopped flowing.

Well, now I had no idea what to do.

I obviously had to ask for help. 'Why didn't I just ask in the first place?!'
Just as I am mopping up the counter wondering if the guest I promised a cup of joe to has forgotten about it, someone walks into the kitchen. I give him an exasperated look that clearly says, Do you know how to work this machine?'
He takes a peek around, and says, "I have no idea how to work anything. I'll get the person who does." A few minutes later, a friendly employee walked in. She smiled and said, this machine is very temperamental, and then proceeded to walk me through the process with that particular coffee maker.

In my own defense, the coffee pot actually does make a thermos and an extra cupful at a time. So even if I had known exactly what I was doing, without fair warning, there still would have been an overflowing mess.