Stephen Colbert, I Can't Wait Around Forever

In the least stalkery way possible:
Stephen, Watch Out!

Part 3 of The Colbert Conquest is coming to you tomorrow.

And if you don't take me on then, well, then I guess the next time you will see me is when I offer you a job.

The Colbert Conquest

For everyone waiting on the edge of their seats, here is the story of my first handshake with Stephen Colbert:

As you have recently read, I posted a letter to Stephen Colbert letting him know that I was coming on his show, and that I was bringing him an Angry Dwarf Sandwich.

And then yesterday, I went with my cousins to The Colbert Report. After a long wait on line, we finally got into the studio, where we happened to be sitting in the first row: front and center.
This was exciting for two reasons:
1) I was sitting in the front row of The Colbert Report
2) Stephen Colbert high fives everyone in the front row as he runs out onto the set.

When Stephen came out to answer a few questions from the audience, I shot up, and I was the first person he called on. I made some jokes like I had been trying to get in touch with him to tell him I was coming, and we bantered for a few moments. I then told him I had brought him an Angry Dwarf sandwich- at which point we whipped out the sandwich and Stephen exclaimed, 'Oh it's you!?' recognizing my cousin from his local deli. He turned towards the audience and said, "It's my deli guy!" And then he makes my now mortified cousin tell everyone what is in the sandwich that makes it so awesome. He sent some guy to pick up the sandwich, and then came over to thank us for coming and shook our hands.

During the break, some guy came up to us and asked us our names. I was hoping for a shout out on the show, but instead I found out that it was just for security purposes. Obviously Stephen Colbert gets a lot of poisonous sandwiches, so they have to be careful.

At the end of the show, Stephen walks down the front row and shakes everyone's hands but he lingered by us to say, "Seriously great to see you, thanks for coming! Be seeing you later."

When it was over, I left one folded up copy of my resume on my seat. Other than that, I didn't pitch myself at all, no mention of 'Here is a sandwich, now HIRE ME', no stalking, no pestering, and the clean up people probably just threw out the folded up paper on my seat.

Still though, I shook hands with Stephen Colbert, twice. He has heard my name.

And I also followed up by sending the show the following email:

Dear Stephen Colbert,

I thoroughly enjoyed your show today! If you have read my blog, you know I want to pester you for a job. You know that I am hilarious, charming, and ambitious. You know I have papered the walls of Jon Stewart's studio with my resume. But instead, for you Stephen, sir, Mr. Colbert, I brought you the Angry Dwarf sandwich from the Watchung Deli. Don't look at it as a bribe. See it more as a gesture of kindness. And as proof that I would make a kickass hell of an assistant.

A lack of response will only convince me more that you are indeed in need of another staff member, even if it is just one in charge of being your personal sandwich maker.

Sincerely,

Ambitious and Funemployed
ambitiousandfunemployed@gmail.com

So folks, don't go away quite yet!
I have got a few more Colbert surprises for you coming up in the next week.
Stay tuned...



**Interesting fact: Stephen Colbert has two wikipedia pages. One for himself, another for his character: Stephen Colbert. Both are linked to in the above post.

The Colbert Report

Dear Stephen Colbert,

I am coming to sit in the live audience of your show tomorrow. If you have read my blog, you know I want to pester you for a job. You know that I am hilarious, charming, and ambitious. You know I have papered the walls of Jon Stewart's studio with my resume. But instead, for you Stephen, sir, Mr. Colbert, I am bringing you your favorite sandwich from your favorite deli in Montclair, New Jersey. Don't look at it as a bribe. See it more as a gesture of kindness. And as proof that I would make a kickass hell of an assistant.

Sincerely,

Ambitious and Funemployed
ambitiousandfunemployed@gmail.com

He Got my Credit Cards, my License, and my Resume.

Sometimes I see myself the way I worry that others might see me: cliché. In some ways I am Coyote Ugly. The tragic story of the young Midwestern girl moving to the big bad city to be discovered and realize her dream as a superstar. Only in my dream, is just a successful woman in the television industry. Maybe someone who gets tickets to the Golden Globe awards. Maybe someone who eventually presents an award? But lets not get ahead of ourselves. For now, just a successful woman in the television industry would be fine. And I don’t expect to get there overnight. I expect to earn it. But that is for another post.
Lets go back to that cliché.
On Thanksgiving this past year, I decided to stay in New York, and experience one of the greatest days New York City has offer. I went to a Balloon Party, where I got to watch people blowing up the balloons for the Macy’s day parade. (I saw Mariska Hargitay there, and our exchange of ‘Happy Holidays’ was super exciting too.)
I woke up early that Thursday morning to get breakfast with friends, and the walk along the parade from the Upper West Side all the way down to Times Square.

I then rushed back to my apartment to pick up my overnight bag and take the 1 train up to Riverdale, where I was catching a ride to Thanksgiving dinner.
I stood on the platform waiting for the train to arrive, impatiently looking between my watch and down the seemingly endless black tunnel. Finally, the growing light indicated that a train was arriving.
The doors opened and I politely stepped aside to allow other people to exit. Then, as I myself was about to step on to the train, some guy cut in front of me, entered the train, and then just stood there, looking confused. I waited, standing now right in between the doors, waiting for him to step aside and let me through. Finally, as the doors began to close, he jumped off of the train at the last second, allowing me to move into the train car just before it pulled away. As I then put my bag on my lap, I realized that it had been opened, and my stuff had been taken.
Within seconds I realized what had happened. I asked the guy next to me if someone else had been standing behind me, 'waiting to get on' while the whole 3 second occurrence took place. He said yes, but then he decided not to get on at the last second. He too then understood what had happened.
Two guys had basically sandwiched me between the doors, quickly opened my bag and took things, including my wallet, and then jumped off the train, leaving me headed to the next station, sans wallet, and without reception. Lucky for me, I have Verizon, and while I think their customer service is terrible (I actually HATE them) I can't seem to make good on my threats to leave them because they have the best service around. So from the subway, I canceled my credit cards, and began fuming that I had just been mugged, at 1pm, on Thanksgiving Day.

Oh, and of course, my resume is tucked away inside my wallet. You think he's got good contacts in the entertainment industry? You think he'll bother to pass it along?

Because I Actually Do Have A Bucket List. Typed Up In A Word Document.

Now, even before the movie The Bucket List came out, I have had a list of my own that I just call ‘Things I Want To Do Before I Die’. Doesn’t sound as good I know, but if Morgan Freeman had uttered it in a soothing voice on thousands of the big screen you might feel differently.
Get a drink named after me. Check.
Go skydiving. Check.
Go scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef. Check.
Be in People Magazine. _____

Now, there are way more things besides being in People that I haven’t yet accomplished (see a Blue Whale, see a man eating clam- I swear, my AP Bio teacher said they exist) but that is the one we are going to focus on today.
You see, just before I started this blog, something else hit the web and exploded! Bigger than Charlie Bit Me and bigger than FML. Why bigger? Who is the judge? Because this thing that hit every computer screen somewhere, got written up in the next issue of People Magazine. (It has since then even been incorporated into my favorite TV show (spoiler alert for those of you who still haven’t caught up on this season), The Office.
So congratulations Kevin and Jill, you have hit that goal before me. Congratulations on your wedding too. And on being in People magazine. Oh ya, and for trying to turn a brief youtube phenomenon into a charity organization.

So what does this have to do with my blog, my job search, or me?

Not much, other than I too had a good 5 seconds of fame (this definitely didn’t count as part of my 15 minutes) recently, and I just wanted to share it with you all.
A few nights ago, a more than an acquaintance, not quite a good friend, (lets call her a ‘friendly’), started chatting to me about my life. She opened with, “I have been thinking about you all week.”
Really? I asked. Why?
“Earlier this week, a friend of mine in the CBS Page Program sent me a blog to read saying ‘this person writes my life’. So then I started reading it and I just wanted to share it with you, because it is hilarious, all of my friends read it now, and I feel like it is your life too!”

Well now I am intrigued! What is this blog?

The friendly laughs. She says, “Its called ambitious and funemployed.”
Before she finishes my jaw has unhinged and is resting on the floor. But within a split second, I think I am shrieking. I hope I wasn’t, because I can get very high-pitched, but I think my still ringing ears would attest- there was shrieking.
Did I start this blog with the intentions of being famous? No.
Do I think that because one group of post-college grads found it on the internet and now read it that I am famous? No.
Does this in any way accomplish my goal of getting into People magazine? No.
Am I still loving the fact that someone unknowingly recommended that I read my own work? Hell yes!

So, What Have You Got to Show For Yourself Young Lady?

In the last twelve months, I have:

• Received my Bachelors Degree
  
• Learned to make coffee
• Memorized the the excel spreadsheet shortcut handbook
• Perfected the art of changing in and out of my interview suit in Banana Republic dressing rooms
• Completed a senior Capstone Thesis Project
• Accumulated enough twitter accounts for promotional sites at internships to donate to the people in Oklahoma city who still don't have twitter
• Had business cards made. 5 free ones. They sit on my dresser.
• Had my fair share of celebrity encounters
• Moved to New York City
• Applied and re-applied to the NBC Page Program
• Probably got blacklisted from The Daily Show (I have tickets to see Jon Stewart as well as tickets to The Colbert Report this upcoming March, so stay tuned...)
• Started attending shows at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre
• Made some sort of impression on the CBS Page Program
• Realized I know very little about sports...
• Yet also went to my first Rangers game.
• Hopefully maintained a positive attitude
• Devoted more unpaid internship hours than most people do in a lifetime
• Dealt with absent minded creative supervisors, and overly anal OCD supervisors
• Sent out a lot of resumes and applications
• Met a ton of extraordinary people. Nice, extraordinary people.

Bring it on 2010! Hit me with your best shot.

I am Considering Adding the Word ‘Kickass’ into my Cover Letter

You know, just to mix it up a little.
I am often (well, I was once) described as hilarious, charming, and ambitious. I have since included those three words in my cover letter.
Well, not in my regular cover letter.

That’s right folks, when you job search this much- you have way more than just one cover letter. The cover letter that includes that description of me, is the one I would send to places that I hope would appreciate it. The Onion, College Humor, Comedy Central, etc. Just trying to set myself apart from all of the other over-qualified candidates searching in my field.
Because I am unique. I have done things that no one else has done. Ok, not no one else. But it puts me in a smaller minority of people. Have you been skydiving and bunjy jumping in the same day? What about buying a pumpkin for the mere thrill of throwing it off the roof of a very tall building? What about trying out for the Charmin Toilet Paper Ambassador Program this holiday season?

What’s that? Now I have your attention? Really? Sky diving and bunjy jumping weren’t enough? What is the Charmin Toilet Paper Program???



Every year between Thanksgiving and Christmas, they open up Charmin bathrooms in Times Square. They choose 5 lucky people to man these bathrooms by clapping for the frequenters, cheering on the go-ers, and blogging about their experience Enjoying The Go.
So a friend a I lined up for a few hours in the blustering cold, and prepared a 2 minute medley to perform and prove why we would make the perfect ambassadors for Charmin. For 10,000$ - tell me you wouldn't do the same.

You have to go!
He has to go!
She has to go!
We have to gooooooooo
O my tummy is feeling frightful
But Charmin is so delightful
And since we really have to go
Let it flow
Let it flow
Let if floooooooooooooow
O Charmin Charmin Charmin
Your ends they never fray
Your always soft and ready
To wipe my ____ awayyyyyyy
We wish you a Merry Wiping
We wish you a Merry Wiping
We wish you a Merry Wiping
And a Charmin filled year!

And you didn’t even see the dance that went with this. So yea, I’m pretty unique. And I’ll do almost anything (like sing and dance about toilet paper) to get a job.
I think I am going to add Kickass to my cover letter.